Put me in the game coach

In 2016, I hired a life coach. I had been toying with the idea of becoming one myself, having first been introduced to the field five years prior by a woman I would have gratefully accepted as a professional mentor. This woman, who was an officer in the Public Health Commissioned Corps, was dynamic and sharp and I enjoyed not only learning from her at trainings but participating alongside her in professional development opportunities.  When I learned the distinction between a mentor and a life coach, I got excited. A few years later, I booked an Air BnB room with a coach in Seattle and a girlfriend of mine also helped me with a few quick coaching sessions before I went on my train ride in 2014. I was sold on the premise and opportunity. So fast forward to Life in Bahrain, where I met Rosalie, a dynamic woman who some of my military co-workers thought was an artist when they saw me talking to her at lunch one day.

Rosalie and me at a Bahraini National Day celebration

Rosalie is a light.  She’s that girlfriend who is tactfully unfiltered. You know. She speaks up, makes you laugh, and tells it like it is but in a fun way. Yet, she’s patient, encouraging and honest.  When she told me she was launching her coaching business over lunch that afternoon, I was excited. I not only wanted to be a life coach but I also wanted to hire a coach. If for no other reason than to understand how it works and determine if I TRULY wanted to pursue that field. She initially rejected my request to sign up for her pro-bono offer.  We were friends, though not BFFs, and there’s a code in the industry that you don’t coach you friends. We also volunteered together in different programs, so we shared many circles. But she later confessed to me that she knew she had to be my coach. She just knew. And it was a perfect collaboration.  I say collaboration and even would say partnership because a coach is not your boss, not your parent, not your "yes person" either. A coach works with you and pushes you to be your best self, but YOU have to put in the work.

My husband was a personal trainer at a large fitness chain company several years back and he would often tell me how frustrating it would be for him to work with a client who only worked out during their 30 minute training session, as if that’s enough to produce the significant and long lasting results that his clients sought. My husband, and many other athletic coaches, will tell you that if you’re waiting on or relying on another person to tell you what to do and expect to get results, then you’re in trouble. The athlete, client, professional, etc. already has what it takes to get the job done. But we all can benefit from a guide, guru, teacher and coach who will push us and challenge us and have us upset or puking or near ready to throw in the towel before we reach our breakthrough. 

Coaching is not therapy and it’s not glorified cheerleading. And the risk is that you get to the end of the contract and don’t see what you hoped for, but if you put in the work, and you really consider what it took to reach, and truly reach, each milestone, you’ll notice that the internal transformation, that thing you needed to take care of in the beginning, is underway and making room for the final and more sought after goal(s). 

Photo: Andres Iga

I won’t lie, there were times when I questioned my decision to hire a coach. I’m private. It takes time for me to warm up, time for me to establish trust. I’m not an open book and as amicable as I try to be, I only go but so far before you realize you don’t have the password and I'm really a Hobbit. So I had to open up to a friend, who was not my BFF or someone that I hung out with like a traditional friend, and we had to maintain these coaching and friendship boundaries, which we did well but she had to get all up in my STUFF and call me out on my STUFF, and STUFF was getting too real, so there was a piece of rebellion. I didn’t say everything at once. I didn’t always believe she would really help me or that this whole coaching thing would work, despite me wanting to do it. I didn’t understand why I was paying for something I figured I could get out of a book or out of a YouTube video. But as I look back over those 12 months, I don’t regret it at all. One of the key principles in my work in Racial Equity and calling out injustice is holding people accountable and holding up a mirror to society. You can’t let people say they’re going to do something bold, brilliant, life changing and essential and not hold them to it, especially when those people are leaders and key decision makers whose actions determine the flow of taxpayer money and the stability of a city, state, town or nation. So as an advisor, and a guide, and a coalition co-chair, I had to hold my colleagues and teammate accountable to the mission, vision, principles and declarations we promoted in our work. And going beyond the work space, lies the opportunity to match this with the personal and interpersonal space. 

My life coach and I had a call a few days before I started my 1 year to live challenge. It was so fitting, as this was our final call and I remember thinking to myself, “wow, I look forward to the day when I will do so well and be so successful in my business that I can come back to you years from now and afford you as my coach,” but I never shared this, I just had a feeling that that would/will happen.

During our last call, we covered several areas, but a few stand out for me: 

1. For too long I’ve been ashamed of my brilliance. I’ve done amazing things, been in settings that I thought I was too young or inexperienced to work in only to have my ideas show up on the agenda, in the policy and supported by funding. I have been quiet about my accomplishments, skills, dreams, visions, goals and efforts (let's just say my gifts), assuming that people would, if curious enough, ask me and invite me to speak up. But that never happens. Someone else, usually a guy , or a more outspoken and confident woman will enter a space and as if programmed, insert themselves into the space and take up all the attention, energy and money.  Yes, that sounds like the blame game or even a victim mentality, but to tell you the truth, I see it happen quite often, and I know bias and social norms are real. But instead of sulking and getting bent out of shape over someone else's ability to command attention, I’m going to speak up and share more often. I'm not going to be afraid to hear myself talk about my talents and my experience. I'm not going to shy away from it or do this thing that women are trained to do, and that is, "whisper our glory and shout our insecurity" (tweetable).
2. In talking with Rosalie, I see where I am prim and proper. That’s how I’ve always been and we had a heavy conversation in October, when I was on my period mind you, that was a dump. I was tired of having to make people like me or feel like I had to be this or that and to be honest, I didn’t know who this or that was and who am I and why I do what I do and why I’m not bubbly and effusive like one of my best friends or warm and genuinely kind like another sister friend or bold in my brilliance like my friends who are fire signs. I had to figure out how not to be self critical and not give a flying flip about what people thought of me because for years, YEARS, I lived in this box or an impenetrable bubble where people could see me and what they thought was me, but couldn’t get in, couldn’t connect with me, never knew what went on in the world of my bubble and I did whatever it took to keep that bubble from bursting. But bubbles don't last Charlie, bubbles don't last...(bonus points for you if you're a fan of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory)
3. I need to get serious about my pink slip to mediocrity. I need to write it out and serve it up without reservation!  My "one year project" has definitely been part of that process. But I can say that daily affirmations and not putting up with shenanigans and energy suckers will help. Love for mediocrity don't live here any more! 
4. I need to welcome the mistakes, hiccups, errors and faux pas. It happens, when it does it won't kill me.  Life goes on and it might rattle some people but possible for the better.  How can I challenge people to get comfortable with the discomfort if I myself won't embrace the discomfort of the unknown, uncertain and unplanned?  I can either live in my comfy hobbit cave, and Lord knows that cave feels really good and cozy. Or, I can get out and let the sun kiss my body and shine through my brokenness to illuminate me on my perfect imperfections. 

It's time to truly live. I don't know what I was doing. I guess surviving or merely going through the motions of other people's agendas was my MO. But that's getting too old. I don't have all year or forever to make everyone happy while I suffer in silence and hide in the shadow of my brilliance. I'm a team player, so it's not going to be a lot of ball hogging or showboating BUT if I have to be like Serena, Whitney, Beyonce, Flo Jo, keep throwing out names, Acasia is going to Marianne Williamson this and deny myself the luxury of watering down or masking my greatness. It's only fitting that as I close out this post, Whitney Houston's version of "I'm Every Woman" (my anthem) plays on my computer in the background. Shout out to Rosalie and all the coaches out there that remind us to wake up the brilliance within.

Whitney Houston's official music video for 'I'm Every Woman'. Click to listen to Whitney Houston on Spotify: http://smarturl.it/WhitneyHSpotify?IQid=WhitneyHIEW As featured on The Bodyguard OST.

Disclaimer: I do not own this video.