How to respond when someone tries to touch your hair

While I'm about to share a few outlandish, albeit true, incidents and some might find this post silly, all jokes aside it is annoying and bizarre to touch or attempt to touch a complete stranger’s hair.

I’ve had natural hair since my freshman year in college when I flat out decided I couldn’t afford to get my hair relaxed every 6 weeks at the hair salon; self relaxing wasn’t an option. So naturally I went natural and haven’t looked back.  At year 6 of my natural journey, I decided to loc my hair.  It had been severely damaged by the dye treatment and I already envisioned getting locs so on Saturday July 19th 2009 I found myself at a natural hair salon in Baltimore, MD getting my hair set in two strand twists, the first step in my loc journey.  It’s been an 8 year journey of ups, downs and revelations.

I opted for locs because I was lazy and didn’t want to keep picking and combing and styling my afro.  Well, I couldn’t have been any more naive. I have been maintaining and styling my own hair since 2011 and it’s work.  I give God the glory and Francesca Ramsey and other loc gurus a virtual bear hug for helping a sistah maintain a semblance of sanity and inspiration over the years. That said, I have yet to come across a “how to” on preventing or responding to the notorious touch of the “curious other”.  There are the occasional questions about how I wash my hair, and is it all mine and “can I touch it?” But I would like to get to that frustrating feeling that we all have when someone, from the perfect stranger to your co worker or that woman you know from small group, reaches out with the claws of terror to put their hands on our hair or dig their hands in our scalp. 

Let’s set the scenes shall we? (The following is based on real life events.  Scenes and names have been altered to protect the innocent).

Scene 1.  You’re at work and walk in with a new hair do that you painstakingly erected the night before or that morning.  Your non-black (likely white) co-worker passes by your cubicle or sees you in the kitchenette.  They will likely stop and stare in awe, confusion or a mixture of both and do one of two things: 1. “Reach out and touch” your hair or 2. comment on how (unique, strange, crazy, etc.) your hair looks before asking to touch it. 

What do you do?

Scene 2. You’re washing your hands in the restroom at the doctor’s office.  The only other person in the restroom comes out of the stall and you can tell she took the browns to the superbowl.  Before doing what any sanitary and sensible person in their right mind would do, she “Reaches out to touch” your hair, commenting in fascination with “how long and beautiful it is.”

What do you do?

Scene 3. You’re out for lunch at a restaurant with your friend, catching up on old times when out of the blue a random man proceeds to “reach out and touch” your friend’s locs while passing by. 

What do you do?

Scene 4. You’re getting out of church service and getting ready to head out of the building to your car.  You’re intercepted by a lady you know from Small group who had a question about some event or another.  Out of nowhere and without any warning she puts her hands right into your fro, massaging your scalp and smiling before bidding your farewell and leaving the building. 

What do you do?

Scene 5. You’re out shopping for a new outfit with a friend when you see someone that you both know. You all hug one another, and your friend comments on how her hair might still be wet or oily from washing it earlier when the guy suddenly proceeds to “reach out and grab” the person’s hair and digs their nose into her locks while sniffing it.

What do you do?

So, now that you all have taken a few woo sahs, massaging your temples and processing each visceral reaction, what do you do? And for those of you who have experienced and or witnessed one if not all of these scenarios how did or would you have handled them?

Here are a few tips for how you should (and how I wanted to) react to these incidents even though they weren’t all my experiences.

Tip 1. Scream!  In situations where someone is about to or has touched your hair, and especially a perfect stranger, let out a loud yelp or startling noise that will disarm the offender and keep you from being harassed. In the case of the woman who touches your hair after using the restroom and before washing her hands, you have full blown permission to go off. I’m serious. Thats right out nasty. I’m a germaphobe, don’t like people in my space and would be mortified if someone touched me straight out of the restroom, let alone my hair. 

Tip 2. Nope. In situations where a person asks if they can touch your hair I say no. Flat out no because I don’t know where their hands have been and if I haven’t washed my hair, I don’t need them touching my locs or all up in my scalp further confirming their bias that people with locs or natural hair “don’t wash our hair.”  If you want to give a reason or if they ask you “why?” and you’re not in the mood to explain how and why touching another person’s body and hair is offensive and you don’t know what type of spirits they have on them, you can tell them that your hair is: “newly washed, delicately styled, a little tender from getting braided, a little oily from the hair products that you use, allergic to foreign invaders, or just you don’t feel comfortable with people touching your hair, head or body.

Tip 3. Excuse me, can I help you?  If you notice the claws of death approaching your hair or scalp, flat out ask this innocent yet disarming question. Most people pause to think twice and realize that something might be wrong otherwise you wouldn't be asking if they can help you avoid what will likely prove to be problematic if they go through with touching you.

Tip 4. Perfect the shuffle, bob and weave.  I’m not joking.  Watch a few boxing matches or the Karate Kid but practices the art of moving away from an unwanted touch.  This is also helpful for those awkward situations when you’re interacting with “touchy feely people,” who treat you like a sacred relic or genie lamp.  Your sudden move and accompanying facial expression should let them know what they’re not going to do. But should they furrow their brow in shock and look at you incredulously, you can always say, “I don’t consent to having my hair touched.” You have every right to that and a lot of people understand what consent means. 

Tip 5.  Pretend to scratch or pat your head. As soon as they move in for the kill, bring your hand up as if to swat theirs away and either scratch, rub or pat your head.  This conveys a few messages.  The first is that you have an itchy scalp. If you’re the type that doesn’t really care if people assume you don’t wash your hair then this might be a good deterrent and cause folks to assume you’re housing a few unwanted tenants.  However, the other two options, patting or rubbing your head, can communicate that you have a tender or sensitive scalp that if agitated might make you uncomfortable. 

Tip 6. Swat. In the moments leading up to the scalp attack the offender’s hand is no less annoying and unwanted than a fly or mosquito and just as repulsive as a cockroach.  If your hands are free, you can swat around your head as if you heard a fly or mosquito and continue doing it if the person persists in their attempts to touch your hair.  I know of a person who smacked the hand of a stranger as they attempted to touch her friend’s locs.  I chuckled when I read her post about the incident but real talk I wish I had the gumption and reflexes to do that all those other times a person’s hands “reached out and touched” my hair. 

Tip 7. Return the favor.  I put this last. I honestly don’t want to touch anyone’s hair or scalp any more than I want them in mine. And I don’t want folks to start thinking I’m endorsing mutual scalp massages. But I once had a stranger touch my hair at the restroom sink, after she washed her hands, and I asked if I could touch her hair so I did.  To be honest I didn’t like it, didn’t really want to touch her any more than I wanted her in my space and I don’t think I got my point across.  Which is you don’t go around touching people.  Treat my hair and personal space like a museum display, do not touch, under any circumstance.  

I’ve been pet before.  I’m not lying. It happened at the graduating ceremony of a pre-law program I completed one summer while in college. I don’t know where this man came from, but I remember standing there and out of nowhere he smiled down at me and pat my head like I was a little pet of his.  I felt so violated and belittled.  He didn’t say a word or ask my name. He didn’t tell me congratulations, or maybe he did. But what I remember most was this chum grin, fat pink hand and the sensation of being pat on the head like a pet. My younger cousins were there too and I remember wondering if they had witnessed the scene.  I was 21, not 2 or 3 like a little toddler. I was an adult, a rising college senior and a recent graduate of this impressive law program in D.C. but in that moment I had been reduced to a cute little (you fill in the blank). 

So when people touch my hair or my personal space without my consent it takes me back to that place and all those other spaces of being picked, prodded and exoticised and fetishized.  I’m sure many will suggest that it’s outlandish, hypersensitive or silly to be so defensive about something such as hair, but with numerous news reports about expulsion for wearing natural hair, South African girls protesting for being told not to wear their hair naturally or women and men being denied for wearing their hair naturally, I can’t help but make this list and remind folks to not touch my hair, don’t criminalize my hair and that I am not my hair…

"A Seat at the Table" Digital Album Available Now! Solange - "Don't Touch My Hair"

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