Feminism Starts at Home

I am a feminist and I’m still navigating this identity since it seems to be evolving.  To be real, I'm more of a black feminist rooted in womanist theology. But back to feminism.  Like all feminists, I believe in equal pay and maternity and paternity leave.  I believe women should be CEOs and presidents and UN Secretary Generals.  I support women in combat and women at home. And I know some would argue there are as many different definitions of feminism as there probably are the number of women and men who proudly wear that title.  I am thankful for the women who worked hard and sacrificed plenty for me to have liberties, rights and opportunities that they never lived to experience but that they selflessly envisioned. I’m grateful for the black, brown, white and racially ambiguous women who defied racial barriers and fought against sexism bucking the status quo for me to speak boldly within my voice and not feel as if I should be ashamed to "take up space" with my thoughts, action and presence. 

I’m grateful for the mothers who taught their daughters that limits don’t exist, that the XX chromosome is not accidentally missing that third X or waiting for some jerk’s unwanted sexual advances and subjugations and that we are not cursed, defective or weaker because we bleed every month, or have emotions or have or can't have babies. 

I’m even more grateful for the mothers and fathers who declare this in unison. 

Yet, I’m curious about how feminists teach their sons how to respect other women.  I believe that feminism starts at home. I plan to ask a few women (and men) I know, especially mothers and fathers of (young) sons, how they plan to teach their male children how to treat and respect the daughters and girls with whom they interact.  I want to know at what age is it appropriate to start these conversations. And if they already have, how do they go about explaining these cultural and social constructs that feed these gender biases of the passive, agreeable and pleasant "good" woman vs. the vocal, assertive and bold or stoic "bad" woman. 

I wonder when they think it’s appropriate to break down respecting other people’s spaces and values and desires and even if there’s an age when it’s too late. I don’t believe taking your child to a protest is enough. I don’t believe joining or starting feminist movements is enough. I don’t believe having a full time job is enough. Here’s why. 

Children watch and they pick up patterns.  If mom goes to work like dad, mom goes to work like dad. If mom doesn’t go to work, mom doesn’t go to work.  If mom goes to work, but my classmates mom stays at home, so be it. 

Random/not so random aside: I can’t stand being touched without my permission. It's not just an American thing. I'm not comfortable with kids who aggressively grab me for my attention and I REALLY don’t care for crusty (old) men who put their hands on me or invite themselves into my personal space as if as if I'm some shrinking violet that they can pet. And did you know that “Don’t touch my hair,” is track two on my personal life mixed tape soundtrack, volume 32?  I believe that a child who thinks they can touch and grab and interrupt an adult to “tell them, show them or ask them” something is at greater risk of becoming a teenager and adult who struggles to listen or doesn’t understand boundaries and consent. I'm not saying this is guaranteed, I'm suggesting that if the behavior is not caught and corrected at a young age, that child could very well think it's normal behavior.  In an effort to model and honor the value of consent, I’m more inclined to ask a child if I can give them a hug and wait for them to give me permission. Yes, it seems absurd, extreme and bizarre. But children should learn that they can give consent as much as they have to wait for consent when it comes to space, especially among adults. That’s my opinion, you can take it or leave it.

But, for example,  if mom or dad teaches their son, to not touch people without their consent, not to interrupt or cut a person off so that they could be heard, and if mom and or dad teach their son to respect her authority, not just the father's authority, I believe that son, and daughter(s) will understand that a) mom is in control and b) they are not to interrupt or feel empowered to cut off another woman or even person when that individual has something to share.  

My mom taught me that women are bawse. She showed me how to speak up and used her authority and voice to make things happen.  From her mouth she spoke love and discipline and did it with finesse. She managed to make me feel loved and instilled within me level of great respect. Yes, I would push the envelope more with her than my dad. Yes, I would even challenge her as I got older and started to feel myself. But at the end of the day, I revere my mother, who to me taught me about feminism before I knew there was a term and a concept. 

My dad contributed to my knowledge of feminism and self respect. At a young age he taught me that I was "in charge", that I was "the boss" and that whatever decision I made should and would be made because I wanted to do it.  I’ll never forget it.  He once told me that he would be more upset with me if he found out that I robbed a bank because my friends made me do it rather than because I chose to do it on my own.  At the end of the day, he wasn’t condoning theft and robbery, he was simply encouraging me to be in the driver’s seat of every decision that I make. If I go to jail for anything, let it be because I decided and wasn’t coerced or pressured into doing something stupid.  He was pro-choice before that term was introduced in my vocabulary.  My parents taught my sister and me how to respect ourselves, do what we love, weigh the consequences of our decisions and be free thinking women.  It started at home. 

But, other than my Godbrother Will and my male cousins who are like brothers to me,  I don’t have any biological brothers.  

Photo credit: @MARK.C  

So I’d be curious to know how my parents would have raised me or our family if I had a brother or if I was a boy.  Specifically, I’d want to know what they would do differently in how they taught me about feminism and female equality. Sure I could have a sister that I was required to “protect,” and of course there’s my mom, who I would always respect, but what of other women who were not my family? What do men and women teach their young sons about feminism and equality?  And what do self professed feminists do to ensure that their sons respect other women?

For every woman who desires to teach her daughter, niece, cousin, sister or granddaughter how to stand up and speak up for herself, I would like to know how they teach their sons, nephews, grandsons, cousins and brothers how to treat women.  If you fall into this category, how are you raising your sons? I don't believe it sits with respect for mother and not other. So what are you doing or considering when it comes to your sons?  And if you don't have sons or males in your sphere of influence, how have you taught your daughters or the young ladies and girls in your life to navigate this space?